Counseling in Chicago with Bill Martin, LCSW

The sympathetic nervous system is responsible for triggering the “fight, flight, or freeze” reaction in human beings.

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How do you like it when you are upset about something and your partner won’t even let you finish your train of thought.

They already have their denial or rebuttal already organized and “come at you” with their rationale about why you are wrong.

This is called rehearsal, and it means exactly what it sounds like. The person you want to understand you isn’t really listening.

Rehearsing is a very common listening mistake.

It’s pretty easy to spot too. The listener’s eyes tend to trail off and you can almost see their mind sorting through how they can defend themselves from what they feel is your attack.

Of course, you are only expressing your thoughts and feelings, which ultimately is more important to both of you than who is right.

If you are reading my blog or know me, you realize I like to use the cognitive restructuring exercise a lot. It is a great tool to help clients evaluate their own thoughts, beliefs, feelings and behavior.

It works great in evaluating alcohol problems. Here is how it works…

A- Activating Event: you or someone you know worries about your drinking…this may cause an internal or inter-personal conflict.
B-Automatic Beliefs: so, when you or someone worries about your drinking, you have automatic beliefs that may or may not be rational.

If they are irrational,then they will cause you to continue to behave in the same way over and over.

Your wife may complain about your drinking, especially when you drink and pass out on the couch. When she complains, you may have the following automatic thoughts:

• I do not have a drinking problem
• I do not drink any more than any of my friends
• I don’t drink and drive
• You (the wife) are hypersensitive about my drinking
• I am really sick of hearing you (the wife) complaining

As you can see, these automatic thoughts are quite negative and usually lead to one of two options:

• flight (avoidance, disconnection, running away, discounting, running away from the problem)

• or fight (yelling back, blaming the (wife) for false judgments, arguing, denial, tons and tons of unresolved fights)

C-Consequence: The consequence is the flight or fight described above…all in all, not a good outcome.
Many people who are confronted about their drinking feel defensive and angry. This often leads to fighting or running away from confronting whether or not there is a problem with their drinking.
D-Debate (with yourself): this is the best strategy. Challenge your automatic beliefs and any defensiveness, anger or other strong feelings you experience.

To make any progress here, you MUST start to be realistic and rationale about the role of drinking in your life.

Go back and do the 3 Step evaluation process…be scientific about this…

Maybe your (wife) is right about this…there are many ways to look at the use of alcohol that may be a source of good information about yourself.

Just because all of your friends will drink 5-8 drinks when out may mean your friends drink too much, not that you are all normal drinkers.
When embrace someone’s concerns for you and really look at the way you drink more objectively, you and your partner are entering into an intimate and helpful problem-solving process.

So,here are some of the key questions you can use to debate and challenge yourself:

• What is the role alcohol plays in your life?

• Why do you drink?

• Are you able to stop drinking easily or does one lead to more?

• What would you miss if you stopped drinking?

• How would your life change if you stopped drinking?

E-Effective Plan: Answer these questions as best you can, and then develop an action plan with more effective coping behaviors to address this issue.
For example, if your drinking is not a problem, you will have plenty of evidence to argue your case.
If you need to reduce or cut back, you can work on a strategy to do this.
Maybe you need to stop completely…again, you can develop a plan that fits you.

Approach this scientifically, using research based methods. It will help.

The amygdala is the part of our brain’s limbic system responsible for the processing and memory of emotional reactions and triggering the fight, fight, or freeze process for human beings.

In the image below, the amygdala (dark red color) can be seen as part of the limbic system, just below the thalamus (also dark red).

The amygdala has been called the “emotional sentinel” of the human brain because it is primarily responsible for helping us to know when it is safe and unsafe.

The amygdala receives signals from our senses which it quickly evaluates. If the signal is safe, all is good.  However, if the amygdala determines the signal to be a threat, it sends a message to the hypthalamus to produce dopamine, epinephrine and norepenephrine which provide the chemical fuel for us to fight, flee or freeze.

The studies related to the amygdala have demonstrated that damage to the amygdala or negative personal experiences can result in such things as an inability to determine safe or unsafe facial expressions, hyperarousal, exaggerated fear responses or absence of fear responses.

So, if you grew up in an abusive, dangerous household, it is likely your amygdala has processed and stored those memories in a way which may keep you hyperaroused and unsure about the intentions of your partner.

Any tension or conflict with your spouse may easily result in a yelling match leaving you both depleted and demoralized.

Biology mixes with personal history, with disastrous results for personal and intimate relationships.

Making marriage work these days is a complicated balancing act. It takes time to communicate, resolve conflict, raise children and manage the challenges of busy careers.

Marriage and family researcher, John Gottman, PhD and his research colleagues have had a huge influence on the course of marital and family therapy over the last twenty years.

I use many of the marital satisfaction surveys they have created. They are very helpful to couples trying to identify and work on their problems.

His research has compiled huge amounts of data and increased our understanding of what helps and what hurts marriages.

Rather than try to research a specific therapy method or style of marriage or family life, Gottman studied many marriages and families over several decades. He was able to begin to see what really worked for couples and their families.

The results of their research is found in Why marriages succeed or fail…and how you can

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Ok. I am suggesting your intense fighting is related to the evolutionary role of adrenaline or as it is also called, epinephrine, in helping our ancestors survive.

Whenever we feel threatened or excited, the complex workings of our brains trigger the production of adrenaline.

This sets of several reactions, including increased heart rate, dilation of pupils, and a rush of energy to respond to the perceived threat.

This adrenaline enhanced readiness to “fight or flight” was absolutely necessary for our ancestors to kill the saber tooth tiger and escape. However, so much adrenaline is really not necessary for two people living together and trying to settle some differences.
So, you or your partner aren’t crazy, although you may be a little dangerous. Too much adrenaline can lead to a “blind rage” or an “emotional hijacking” which results in more and more damage being done to your relationship.

The key learning goal here is that the intense physical reaction during arguments is caused by a complex neurological process involving the eventual production of adrenaline.

Just for a moment, remember the last time you gazed into your lovers eyes and felt the hot passion of love. Maybe your heart seemed to tingle, your face was flush, and you could tell that they really loved you and you loved them back.

This is called the physiology of love, or limbic resonance.  And yes, all mammals (humans are mammals:) experience this incredible process.

When we look into each other’s eyes, a complex neurological process begins which enables us to really experience the non-verbal, unconscious sensations and feelings within the other person and project our own feelings back to them.

Call it the love gaze. I hope you have it with more than your loving cat or dog who are thrilled to see you when you get home!
Read more about it here and here.

Goals for Couples

1.    Learn and use a structured communication model with strict rules about speaking and listening.

2.    Learn and correct mistakes related to speaking, including judgment focus, generalizing, blaming, criticizing, mind reading and ambushing.

3.    Learn and correct the mistakes related to listening, including defensiveness, personalizing, maintaining a negative filter, ambushing, criticism, contempt and reactivity.

4.    Learn and understand the impact of facial expressions, tone of voice, body language and other non-verbal cues in effective communication.

5.    Learn the importance of accepting responsibility for self-care and self-soothing. (We are all responsible for ourselves.)

6.    Learn to use the Cognitive Restructuring written tool and other Cognitive Therapy methods found in the Smart Recovery Tools and Homework website (http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/toolchest.htm) to correct distortions and errors in thinking and communication, both in and out of session.

I will discuss and explain these concepts in further posts.

Practice makes perfect and helps train the brain…it all gets easier the more you do it.Turning down the volume of conversations will help too. We can hear each other pretty well, if we feel like raising our voices, it is likely a time for a time-out. Have a cup of tea, do some breathing, then come back later to the conversation.

When I do listening exercises in session with couples, it helpfsto reduce the levels of conflict and create a warmer space for them to be with each other. There is a little hope that things can get better at home.

At the end of the communication exercise, I ask couples to give each other feedback about what they liked about this new way of talking with each other.

Here are some of the things that couples say to each other:

“I liked the way you expressed your feelings so directly.”

“you listened carefully to what I was saying”

“I liked hearing you reflect back what I was saying to you”

“hearing my words reflected back gave me a chance to hear what I was saying…I could evaluate and clarify my words, so I could say what I really mean”

“when I was listening, I realized how much I would argue and try to win the debate, rather than really listen to what you were saying”

“I realized how much what I usually say is blaming…I am not really talking about what I think, feel and want…rather how much I try to make to blame for my unhappiness”

Using words connected to honest feelings is the only way to create an intimate relationship.

Telephone/email therapy and other types of non-office communication with clients raises many ethical and legal questions.

The questions include:

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