Archive for the '17 Marital Adjustment Scales by John Gottman' Category

Nov 29 2010


We all make many, many mistakes in the way we communicate.

Unless these mistakes are corrected, we can go through life fighting all the time,or avoiding and ignoring each other.

Either way, it can be pretty unpleasant.

In the next series of posts,  I will begin to explain all the
mistakes we make so anyone who is willing to spend a few minutes each
week can become more knowledgeable and effective in helping their
relationship be a little warmer, friendly and fun.

Comments Off on Communication

Jun 10 2008

#4 Is your relationship romantic and passionate?, #4 of 17 Relationship evaluation scales

How much passion is still in your relationship? Does it get hot at all or has the fire burned out? Check out these questions to evaluate for yourself.

How often do you and your partner

  • expresss warm and affectionate messages?
  • express love and admiration?
  • touch each other in affectionate ways?
  • feel romantic or passionate?
  • cuddle on the couch and touch each other affectionately?
  • have tender and passionate moments?

Use your journal to write down your thoughts as you answer these questions.

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May 27 2008

#3 of 17 Relationship evaluation scales: Are you handling issues and disagreements well or gridlocking?

If you are able to address and resolve conflict quickly, your relationship will likely grow and deepen. Your sex life will probably improve too, as unresolved anger can hurt your sexual intimacy.

Here are some questions for you to consider:

  • Are you aware of any basic differences between you and your partner?
  • Are you able to resolve these differences easily?
  • Do these basic differences seem unresolvable?
  • Do you live day to day with emotional hurts?
  • Are your positions getting entrenched?
  • Do you fear that you will never get what you hoped for in this relationship?
  • Are you worried that your differences and disagreements will damage your relationship?

Take time to explore these questions and identify any of the obstacles to making improvements.

Scales compliments of the Gottman Institute.

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Feb 27 2008

#2 of 17 Marital Evaluation scales….Are you handling job and other stresses effectively?

A marriage or any intimate relationship can be challenged by outside stress.

This Gottman scale helps you evaluate whether you and your spouse/partner are handling stress well or whether it is “spilling over” into your relationship in a negative way.

Answer the following questions:

  • Do you help each other reduce the daily stress of life?
  • Are you able to talk about this stress together?
  • Is it helpful to both of you when you talk about these stress?
  • Does your spouse/partner listen with understanding about your stress and worries?
  • Do you find that your spouse/partner takes their job or other stress out on you?
  • Does your spouse/partner take their job or other stress out on your children or others in your life?

So, what are you thinking about when you answer these questions.

Write down your thoughts and feelings in your journal.

Make notes of specific issues you want to talk about with your spouse.

Don’t put off having any conversation about these important issues.

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Feb 25 2008

#1 of 17 Marital Evaluation Scales…Are you staying emotionally connected or emotionally distant?

Remaining connected emotionally to each other is the most important part of healthy relationship.

You can have a lot of money, great job, everything else going for you, but if your relationship is cold and distant, you will not be very happy.

The first area of your relationship to evaluate deals with whether you are staying connected emotionally or becoming distant.
Here are some of John Gottman’s marital evaluation scales for you to use to evaluate yourself and your relationship:

  • Are you able to easily talk with each other?
  • Do stay emotionally in touch with each other?
  • Do you feel taken for granted?
  • Does your spouse/partner know you well right now?
  • Is your spouse/partner emotionally disengaged?
  • Are you spending time together?

What are you answers to these questions?

If you are too distant, what can you do to get closer?

Don’t wait for your partner to warm up. Think about what you might be doing to keep her/him distant and do the opposite!

Are you asking for what you need and want? Or does it sound like a blaming tirade of all your partner’s weaknesses?

If it’s the latter, don’t be surprized when you remain stuck in a bad cycle of conflict.

Take the risk, hear your partner’s complaints as a need for a hug, or their distance as their being burned out and needing some extra support.

This will help you be closer and stay there longer.

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