Apr 24 2020

Dream Journaling

Our dreams offer a path to self-compassion, wisdom, healing and empowerment.

Dreaming at night and daydreaming are evidence there’s something more going on than just what we think and how we feel and what we sense with our body.  I would call this our psyche, the Greek word for spirit or soul.

Just like our skin automatically begins to heal from a wound, our psyche is always working to heal psychological wounds that we may have experienced. Our dreams are an example of that healing effort.

In order to analyze and evaluate our dreams I recommend the following steps:

  1. Assume that every element of our dreams symbolizes something our psyche wants us to learn about ourselves and that every element and aspect of our dreams has positive meaning.
  2. Keep a notepad and pen or pencil beside your bed that you can reach easily upon waking and remembering the elements of your dream.
  3. Before going to sleep place your hands over your heart and just close your eyes and repeat to yourself, “I will remember my dreams.”
  4. The most important step is when you begin to wake up whether it’s in the middle of the night or in the morning, don’t move and keep your eyes closed.
  5. With eyes closed and not moving, try to recall every element of the dream. It’s like you are watching your dream in reverse.
  6. When you think you have remembered as much of the dream as possible, take your notepad and write down as much of the dream as you can.
  7. Give the dream a title and let it be the first thing that comes to your mind.
  8. Take the elements of your dream and write them down in chronological order in a circle going counter clockwise.
  9. Take each element at a time and search for how that element symbolizes something about yourself. This means that even if the element of the dream is someone else you know or some stranger or even a monster, it’s important for you to search for how this element relates to you.

In conclusion, focus on the positive message. Understand that scary elements in dreams are similar to characters in mythology which present themselves as opportunities for transformation. Whether it’s a dragon, snake, or other scary element, our psyches offer us these elements to heal our wounds and increase our awareness of ourselves, our relationships and the world.

For questions, feel free to leave a message or contact me directly.

No responses yet

Apr 09 2019

The Shadow of the Victories for Men Shadow Weekend

Writer’s disclosure: I was part of the VOH leadership team, staffed one of the original Shadow weekends and had a terrible experience. The VOH Wisdom Years and Breakthrough weekends are recommended and have the potential to be life changing.

I recently gave a positive review to the new Victories website. I like it and think it conveys the appropriate message about their programs.  The photos are of real men who participate and work within the organization to make it better. I believe them.

The good news is the organization seems to be thriving at this point, offering many different programs each year, including workshops like the Psychodrama workshop I helped to create.

What’s remarkable about this positive point in Victories is it has survived the internal conflicts of bright, but very defensive leaders who battled each other clandestinely for decades.

Buddy Portugal was at the center of all internal conflicts. His fingerprints were all over the organizations failed attempts at organizational development in the post 2004 Strategic Planning process.

Key to this failure was Buddy Portugal and Bob Mark’s decision to unilaterally select and develop a separate team of Wisdom Years leaders in about 2006-07.

In an organization rife with conflict between self-contained and entitled leaders, Portugal, et al greatly increased the fragmentation and chaos by this highly damaging move.

The Wisdom Years “new guys” then set out to berate the Breakthrough weekend leaders for not attending one of their weekends.

An insider view might have been Portugal was trying to appear as intelligent as Bob Mark. This is a charitable idea.

It was more like Portugal with Bob Mark’s support set out to damage any attempt to unify this struggling organization, create chaos everywhere, and adding to the stress of all those working diligently on behalf of Victories mission.

Here’s an example: for several years, I led follow-up groups for Kevin and Paul’s weekends. When I became a leader and Board member, I worked with several other volunteers to create trainings and a workbook for group leaders and participants to follow.

At the Board meeting where I presented the draft workbook, Buddy Portugal almost interrupted me to inform the Board that he and Bob Mark were writing a workbook for partipants of the Wisdom Years.

I looked at Bob Mark and guessed he hadn’t heard of this idea either before Portugal reported it.

Portugal must have been so envious of this workbook idea and upset some others would get credit it for it, he couldn’t control his impulses and blurted out a message which seemed untrue.

It is true that Portugal’s workbook was never written and never discussed again. Perhaps Portugal’s true believers would just say, “well that’s just Buddy.”

The workbook our team developed never was used either. Even though Paul Kachoris was on the team who developed the workbook, he and Kevin Fitzpatrick ignored the effort.

So, even with these few examples of the chaos and internal sabotage, Victories has pulled it together.

For many years, I have not recommended the Victories of the Heart Shadow Weekend. I still do not, even though the original leaders, Paul Kachoris and Kevin Fitzpatrick, are no longer leading this weekend.

The Shadow Weekend claims to help men shine the light on their shadow, or unconscious selves. However, the program itself is shrouded in secrecy making it a leap of faith for participants and potential referral sources to support the program.

An organizational crisis occurred about 2007 when excessive and confusing nudity and silence on the Shadow weekend was discovered after the fact by organizational leaders. I myself found out about the nudity from one of the 4 men who attended the experience. It was not good for them and I was shocked and appalled by what they told me.

The rigidity, defensiveness and blowback I experienced when trying to create change in this program constructively was one of the reasons for my resignation from the organization in about 2008.

While I have been assured men have not been asked to be nude since about 2008, I still do not recommend this experience. The VOH website’s attempt to describe the experience is more “hype” than substance. No research citations are offered, and Jung’s writing about the “persona and shadow” are presented as if they are widely accepted and research proven concepts. They are not.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the Shadow weekend had evolved with available neuroscience research and helped participants understand the powerful way life experiences, especially trauma, are stored implicitly and are constantly operating like a software program influencing our thoughts, feelings and behavior. Implicit memory has often been described as procedural memory, things we learn to do something later. It’s stored below our level of awareness, yet has a powerful impact on our lives. Learning to ride a bike is an example of implicit memory.

Explicit memory, the other type of long-term memory refers to the information we store consciously. Examples of this are the date of our birthday, upcoming doctor’s appointments, the times tables, information we study for school, and so on.

My discussion of memory here is very important. Jim Hopper, PhD, a Harvard professor, researcher and clinician, has an educational website devoted to the research about trauma. It’s wonderful and highly recommended. Click here to take a look.

One key point made by the research so nicely summarized by Dr. Hopper is a large number of women and men who are abused, especially sexually abused, have no conscious awareness of the abuse. So, to put this simply, men who go to a Shadow weekend who have no conscious memory of being abused and those who do have an awareness, can possibly be re-traumatized. I know I was re-traumatized by my participation as a staff person at this weekend. I could say more.

I will not go into detail here about my own negative experience as a staff person and the negative experiences of other men. I’ve written about it before and every word I wrote was true.

In using more contemporary science, the Shadow weekend could be an empowering experience where men could begin to better understand themselves. Without more information, I have to assume the bear bones structure of the program remains the same, lots of self-disclosure.

At best, the Shadow weekend is not a memorable, life changing experience. At its worst, it may be possibly retraumatizing for men who are trauma survivors.

Certainly, the program has received enough organizational support over the years and the original leaders had plenty of opportunity to build something that could last without their popularity and charisma.

Time to let it go. It’s not really the “next step” for Wisdom Years and Breakthrough weekend graduates. It’s a step, but a precarious one.

No responses yet

May 18 2017

John Gottman Relationship Scales: Evaluate Your Relationship Here

If you are interested in thinking about the strengths and vulnerabilities of your relationship, here is a survey for you to explore.

1.  Staying emotionally connected ___, or becoming emotionally distant___

Check all items below:

  • Just simply talking to one another.  Not a problem___ A problem___
  • Staying emotionally in touch with each other.  Not a problem___  A problem___
  • Feeling taken for granted?Not a problem___ A problem___
  • Don’t feel like my partner knows me very well right now. Not a problem___A problem___
  • Partner is (or I am) emotionally disengaged.  Not a problem___  A problem___
  • Spending time together. Not a problem___  A problem___

2. Handling  job and other stresses effectively____, or experiencing the “spill over” of non-relationship issues

Check all items below:

  • Helping each other reduce daily stresses  Not a problem___  A problem___
  •     Talking about these stresses together  Not a problem___  A problem___
  • Talking together about stress in a helpful manner  Not a problem___  A problem___
  • Partner listening with understanding about my stresses and worries  Not a problem___  A problem___
  • Partner takes job or other stresses out on me  Not a problem___  A problem___
  • Partner takes job stresses out on the children or others in our life  Not a problem___  A problem___


3.  Handling issues or disagreements well ___, or gridlocking on one or more issues____

Check all items below:

  • Differences  have arisen between us that seem very basic Not a problem___  A problem___
  • These differences seem unresolvable  Not a problem___  A problem___
  • We are living day to day with hurts  Not a problem___  A problem___
  • Our positions are getting entrenched  Not a problem___ A problem___
  • It looks like I will never get what I hoped for  Not a problem___  A problem___
  • I am very worried that these issues may damage our relationship  Not a problem___  A problem___


4. The marriage is romantic and passionate___, or the it is becoming passionless; the fire has gone out____

Check all the items below:

  • My partner has stopped being verbally affectionate.  Not a problem___  A problem___
  • My partner expresses love and admiration less frequently.  Not a problem___ A problem___
  • We rarely touch each other.  Not a problem___  A problem___
  • My partner (or I) have stoped feeling very romantic. Not a problem___ A problem___
  • We rarely cuddle.  Not a problem___ A problem___
  • We have few tender or passionate moments.  Not a problem___ A problem___

5. Our sex life is fine_____, or there are problems in this area____

Check all the items below:

  • The frequency of sex.  Not a problem___ A problem___
  • The satisfaction I or my partner get from sex.  Not a problem___ A problem___
  • Being able to talk about sexual problems.  Not a problem___ A problem___
  • The two of us wanting different things sexually.  Not a problem___ A problem___
  • Problems of desire.  Not a problem___ A problem___
  • The amount of love in our lovemaking.  Not a problem___ A problem___

6. An important event (like the birth of a child, job loss, changes in job, or residence, an illness, the death of a loved one) has occurred in our lives_____. The relationship is dealing with this well____, or it is not___.

Check all items below:

  • We have very different points of view on how to handle things.
  • This event has led my partner to be very distant.
  • This event has made us both irritable.
  • This event has led to a lot of fighting.
  • I’m worried about how this will turn out.
  • We are now taking up very different positions.


7. Major issues about children have arisen (this could be about whether or not to have a child).____ The relationship is handling these well_____, or it is not_____.

Check all items below:

  • We have very different points of view on goals for the children.
  • We have different positions on what to discipline the children for.
  • We have different positions on how to discipline the children.
  • We have issues about how to be close to our children.
  • We are not talking about these issues very well.
  • There is a lot of tension or anger about these issues.



8. Major issues or events have arisen about in-laws, a relative, or relatives._____The relationship is handling these well_____, or it is not_____.

Check all items below:

  • I feel unaccepted by my partner’s family.
  • I sometimes wonder which family my partner is in.
  • I feel unaccepted by my own family.
  • There is tension between us and what might happen.
  • This issue has generated a lot of irritability.
  • I am worried about how this is going to turn out.

No responses yet

May 16 2017

Victories of the Heart Breakthrough Weekend Research by Josiah James Miller: Highly Recommended Reading!

Psychologist Josiah James Miller evaluated the Victories of the Heart Breakthrough weekend as his dissertation for his doctorate. It was recently published online and is a treasure trove of ideas helpful to the Victories organization. You can read the dissertation here.

by Miller, Josiah James, Psy.D., The Chicago School of Professional Psychology, 2017, 119; 10159295

I have read the study a few times and think it’s an excellent contribution to the evolution of men’s social movements and the origins of personal growth weekends for men.

Dr. Miller dissertation evaluates several quantitative factors related to the Breakthrough experience, such as the effect on the levels of gender role conflict, perceived social support and psychological well-being in men who attended the retreat.

His study also explores and elaborates on the qualitative experience of participants. Having been a leader of this weekend and volunteer for many years, I understand how meaningful the experience can be, so the excellent qualitative reports by participants was no surprise at all.

Dr. Miller also raises important questions for the Victories organization to consider as they evaluate this program and make plans for their organization’s future.

Kudos to Dr. Miller and the Victories stakeholders to allow a program to be evaluated and the results published online so all those interested can read and learn.

For those interested in the history and methods of men’s programs, this evaluation is very much worth reading.

No responses yet

Mar 18 2017

Obamacare 2017: 10 Talking Points for Advocacy

I. Introduction

I’m writing for my family, friends and the public to advocate for Obamacare.

Right now, it seems the Senate will vote against the repeal and replacement legislation proposed by House Republicans, but there is still a fight and it will help if we all understand the honest benefits of Obamacare and the Republican lies.

Here are the 10 Obamacare Talking Points:

  1. Children should be allowed to stay on their parent’s policies until age 26.
  2. No denial of coverage for pre-existing condition and NO high-risk insurance pools.
  3. Individuals and employers should have a mandate to get insurance.
  4. Americans should get financial help to cover costs of insurance.
  5. The increased taxes on individuals earning more than $200,000 and families earning more than $250,000 should remain in place.
  6. The 80/20 Plan where Insurance companies have to pay at least 80% of their income on health care costs for customers should remain in place.
  7. Insurance companies should continue to be forced to present any request to raise insurance premiums over 10% to be reviewed.
  8. Federal funds should be used to fund the “risk corridor” program so that insurance companies can be protected from financial losses.
  9. All states should expand medicaid.
  10. Insurance benefits should have no limits in coverage and offer free preventative care.


II. Research Supporting the 10 Talking Points


  1. Children should be allowed to stay on their parent’s policies until age 26.

The law that children between the age of 19 and 26 be allowed to stay on their parent’s insurance policies has had universal support in our country among Republicans and Democrats.

You may find it surprising to know that in 2010,  13 million Americans between the ages of 19 and 29 were uninsured. This figure represented about 27% of the total 47 million Americans were uninsured.

So, this population was important for healthcare planners to get insured. About 3 million became insured on their parents policies and many others bought insurance in the insurance markets.



Click here for a youtube video describing this aspect of Obamcare in more detail.

Youtube video on Obamacare 19-26 year old access to insurance.


      2. No denial of coverage for pre-existing condition and NO high-risk insurance pools.

Obamacare guaranteeing insurance coverage for Americans with pre-existing conditions was a radical breakthrough.

For the first time in history, Americans could not be denied coverage or have their coverage terminated because they were sick. It seems shocking to write this sentence…how could an advanced, rich country like America neglect its most vulnerable citizens and allow insurance companies to reap profits by excluding and dumping sick customers.

So, this provision has also received widespread support, but the current Republican proposal begins to limit this provision ever so quietly. They say everyone will be covered, but they create a loophole where Americans must have “continual coverage”, meaning their insurance must not lapse. If it does, the insurance company can demand a 30% premium increase, so the sick person must pay more, as was true in the past.

The other part of the Republican plan is to use “high-risk insurance pools” for Americans with pre-existing conditions and serious health problems. High-risk pools have been used before and several problems were identified, especially related to cost and access. OBamacare is considered by many experts to be better because it focuses on increasing coverage among more healthy, young people so the premiums paid by younger people will help pay for the more costly care of older people.

Here is a short video describing the problems with high-risk insurance pools:

High-risk insurance pools vs. Obamacare


No responses yet

Oct 15 2016

An Example of Implicit Bias: Heterosexism (everyone’s straight) at a Victories for Men Breakthrough Weekend

In his doctoral dissertation, “Victories of the Heart: An Evaluation of a Transformational Men’s Retreat”, Josiah Miller, PsyD provides a useful and interesting look at at the issue of implicit bias.

Implicit bias is a widely researched process which shows that human beings have deeply held, unconscious bias which accounts for prejudice and racism in American society.

According to Ohio State University’s Kirwan Institute the key characteristics of implicit biases are:

  • Implicit biases are pervasive.  Everyone possesses them, even people with avowed commitments to impartiality such as judges.
  • Implicit and explicit biases are related but distinct mental constructs.  They are not mutually exclusive and may even reinforce each other.
  • The implicit associations we hold do not necessarily align with our declared beliefs or even reflect stances we would explicitly endorse.
  • We generally tend to hold implicit biases that favor our own ingroup, though research has shown that we can still hold implicit biases against our ingroup.
  • Implicit biases are malleable.  Our brains are incredibly complex, and the implicit associations that we have formed can be gradually unlearned through a variety of debiasing techniques.

Implicit biases have a powerful effect on multiple levels. Many Americans on the right who support policies which overtly discriminate against people of color would deny being racist or biased in any way. They say the sort of things like we are supporting America and making America great again.

Josiah Miller’s research of the Victories of the Heart’s Breakthrough weekend offers a tiny, but very clear example of the implicit bias in the Victories leadership of the weekend studied and the the program as a whole.

As many people know, I was actively involved in the Victories program for several years and have observed and studied both the leaders and programs with both a supportive and critical view.

Along with Kurt Schultz, Rick Simon, a motivated team of volunteers, and lessons I learned from participating in Mankind Project’s New Warrior Program’s “guts trainings”, I was an instrumental part of creating a psychodrama training program which has been a very successful component of the Victories program since about 2005.

Not as widely known, Kurt Schultz asked me to help evaluate the Victories previous staff training mis-named the “spirit of generosity.” I learned very quickly this was a terrible program which left participants with mixed feelings and even resentments.

The reasons for the mixed feelings and resentments were obvious. Participants were asked by the leadership to bring an object of value to the day long training. They surrendered their objects at some point. What happened to the objects. This is sort of unbelievable and some may think I am making this up.

The objects the participants brought to the day were taken out of the room, onto the grounds of Techni Institute, then buried in a secret place. The participants never recovered their “valuable” objects.

One person I interviewed told me he brought a valuable and emotionally priceless piece of jewelry his deceased father had given him. He was not happy about what happened, but like many, chalked it up as some type of lesson he was supposed to learn on the way to personal growth and fulfillment.

Like replacing someone at work who failed miserably in their job, it was not difficult to create a more relevant, respectful, empowering and educational training event for volunteers. Many of the participants in those early trainings went on to leadership roles, including the two most recent Board presidents.

So, what evidence of implicit bias did Josiah Miller’s research offer about Victories? Research participants were asked to write about their experience after the weekend.

A gay man at the weekend makes several points about his perception the inappropriate use of heterosexist (everyone is straight) language:

“There was a certain tone that they were speaking from a place of authority and an absolute authority. There was a certain rigidness to whatever it was that was being communicated, there wasn’t that sort of openness. There was a sort of absolutism about it in a way that felt false to me.”

“There were also moments when they used some more hetero-normative language. As a gay man, I would have hoped that they would have used more inclusive language. Like during certain activities, they would be talking about the men and their wives rather than the men and their partners or you know companions or spouses. I’m pretty sure that I was the only gay male on my particular weekend.”

“Although at the beginning I was certain that a couple of the other men were. Then one started talking about his wife and another was talking about his girlfriend. Well, seeing that I am a clinician and knew several of the men conducting the retreat, I knew that there wasn’t anything negative meant by that. You know, I see a number of gay clients who…I would question if they would you know, feel comfortable in hearing language that was somewhat exclusionary. And you know, it’s not like I felt they were trying to single me out or intentionally exclude me, but it was just kind of something I noticed. I was also kind of wondering how Victories approaches transgendered or inter-sexed individuals and issues around their care and inclusion in Victories?” (Miller, 2016)

I write about his now because as early as 1993, I was a part of discussions both in Victories and the Mankind Project where the use of respectful cultural diverse terms like “partner” instead of husband/wife were actively discussed. It was part of the Basic Staff Training (the Psychodrama training) I helped design and implement in 2005 for Victories.

Why would a weekend program in 2016, 23 years after I know the issue was discussed, have staff using language that left a gay participant, apparently a mental health practitioner, feeling excluded?

Implicit bias offers the best explanation here. The staff leadership, if asked if they were biased against homosexuality, would say no, of course not.

However, this participant’s experience documents his felt experience of bias during the weekend. His words are a poignant description of how the LGBTQ community feels living in the dominant heterosexist American society.

There is no positive spin on this lapse in respect for cultural diversity within the Victories program. Their lack of sensitivity and self-knowledge at this time in history is inexcusable.

Although Dr. Miller notes the Victories principals were not happy with the results of his research, they have not disputed his findings or the comments of individual men, so we have to assume everything happeneds as described.

I think it’s safe to say, it was the staff leadership making the the lapse in respect for cultural diversity, not their evil twin brothers.

It goes without saying that the ethical code every profession has standards requiring the respect for cultural diversity.

We have to assume Victories, even though they have had the opportunity of over 30 years to evaluate and self-correct problems in policy and procedures, has more work to do.

Why is this important for them? They have to ask the question about how enthusiastic the gay participant will be in making referrals to the Victories programs.

Certainly, I would never refer a gay participant to a Victories program.

I’ve written about the ambiguous way Victories leaders and program have addressed the issue of sexual orientation and it seems to be still too ambiguous.

At a Victories program in the mid-1990’s I heard Buddy Portugal try to reassure someone by saying “we’re all homosexual.” I was confused by this at the time and observed this mis-statement throughout my years of involvement and study of Victories.

No, we’re not all homosexual and to say this diminishes and disqualifies the murder, abuse, and discrimination experienced by members of the LGBTQ community.

Most importantly, we are not all heterosexual. To perpetuate this bias is wrong.

No responses yet

Aug 06 2016

Relaxation Script

Relaxation Script

Prepare to relax by finding a comfortable place where you won’t be disturbed for 20-30 minutes…loosen any tight or restrictive clothing and remember relaxation is something that happens all by itself if you let it…

and learning to allow relax is allowing relaxation to happen…no one really knows exactly how you relax, but as you think relaxing thoughts, your body responds by letting go…

we don’t really know how you walk, talk, ore scratch your head…you just decide to do these things and your body responds…in the same way your body responds to your decision to let go and relax…

as you learn to relax, please don’t concern yourself with how quickly you are relaxing or whether you are relaxing deeply enough…

you will find, as you practice relaxation, that at different times, you will relax at different rates…sometimes relaxation will occur slowly and subtly…

other times you will relax very deeply, very quickly…

and it really doesn’t matter how you relax at this time, just that you notice how relaxation feels to you when it does occur..

as you begin to let go and begin to notice the sensations of relaxation you have …

that learning to relax is learning to allow relaxation to happen. Your body knows how to relax and as you begin to breathe more deeply, relax your muscles, and use peaceful imagery you will be able to relax, feel more comfortable, and manage challenges more easily.

just allow the intelligence of your body and mind guide you…

Start by finding a spot furthest away from where you are and stare at it. You will notice your eyes becoming slightly tired, they may begin to blink, signaling you are ready to close your eyes and move from your external focus to an internal focus.

Begin to relax more deeply by taking 3 deep, slow breaths.

As you inhale, let that “in” breath be associated with fresh air, peacefulness and relaxation.

As you exhale, let that “out” breath be associated with the release of any unnecessary stress and tension.

As you breath more deeply, allow the muscles in your body to also more deeply relax. Begin with the muscles in your feet and legs, take a deep breath and as you “let go”, allow the muscles in your feet and legs to more deeply relax.

Then the muscles in your stomach and chest…lower back and upper back…arms and hands…neck and shoulders…face and even the muscles around your tongue…allow those muscles to more deeply relax.As you find your body becoming more relaxed, you may notice that your mind is also becoming more quiet, calm and still.

Take a few moments and enjoy this comfortable feeling in your mind and body.

Relaxation is something you learn to do and the more you do it, the easier it becomes…

In order to deepen your level of relaxation, allow an image of a staircase with 10 stairs come into your mind. Notice what the staircase looks like, whether it is wooden or steel, spiral or straight, indoors or outdoors…

Imagine that as you step down each stair, you are stepping into a deeper and deeper level of relaxation. Count backwards from 10 to 1, and when you get to 1 imagine stepping off the stair into a peaceful place, maybe your favorite vacation place or an imaginary beach, woods, or by a pond, whatever comes to your mind… just allow yourself to go there…

So begin to count backwards to yourself from 10…9…8…deeper and deeper…7…6…5…4…3…2…and 1.

Now, allow an image to form in your mind of that safe and beautiful place and just be there…notice what you can see, hear, feel, and smell in that peaceful place…enjoy being there and stay as long as you want…as you allow yourself to become more and more deeply relaxed…

Continue to breathe deeply and comfortably. When you are ready to come back, start to open your eyes, notice the increased light against your eyes and any sounds in the room. Stretch your muscles. Come back refreshed, relaxed and feeling better than before.

When you wake up, write or draw about your relaxation experience and the peaceful place you imagined. Allow yourself to explore any of this experience that you want.

From Guided Imagery for Self-Healing, by Marty Rossman (2000)

No responses yet

Aug 02 2016

Victories 2016: Acknowledging the Positives

I have a lot of experience in what’s called the “men’s work” field in the Chicago area. Most of my experience is with the Victories of the Heart, formerly known as the Men’s Room.

While it’s somewhat known my 2006-2008 involvement and ending with Victories was problematic, it does not reflect on this organization’s efforts to offer quality programs.

The two founding leaders, Bob Mark and Buddy Portugal (deceased)and the second leadership team, Paul Kachoris and Kevin Fitzpatrick are/were creative and effective therapists and workshop leaders. They are/were charismatic men who changed many men’s lives and their loved ones’ lives for the better.

This does not mean  they were perfect and I discuss some of the difficulties I had with these men in other writing. It’s been many years since I was actively involved and the men who are in key leadership positions have made positive changes.

The woman on the Board is a well known and highly respected therapist, teacher and author. Her input and influence is certain to enhance the organization and programs.

Since 2008, there have been many positive changes in the organization which I am very happy to see and acknowledge. These changes include:

    • movement towards a team style of leadership
    • leadership training and development
    • sensitivity and reduction of the dual-relationship problem within the organization
    • improvement in the support group program
    • development of ethics policies and standards.
    • inclusion of women on the Board
    • more diverse programs, especially the Couples weekend and Shame workshops

Continue Reading »

One response so far

Jan 25 2016

Unmasked by Paul Kachoris, MD: A Book Review

I first met Paul Kachoris at a men’s retreat about 1990-91 where he was on the leadership team. It was one of those “I have no idea what I am getting into here type of experiences” which served as my first venture into the direction of the “within”, of the 7 directions, often described as the most important.

Paul was a huge part of my nearly 2 decades of involvement in men’s programs and I am grateful for his gifts. I remember vividly him approaching me as I was getting into my car to leave that first retreat and him telling me he was Kevin’s friend and a writer. He has always been a writer.

This book of poetry exemplifies the lyrical way he connects words to the human spirit. Reading this book, I learned he has been writing poetry for many, many years. I recognized some of his poems’ themes, like the chapel and sculpting out of thin air, as potentially related to his work on men’s retreats. I especially took note of the shadow themes, like in the poem, Ambush, (pps. 92-93) where he explores the inevitability of screwing ourselves over because we lack awareness and self-knowledge.

However, the depth and breadth of his themes relating to his own psyche, relationships with his family, and the disconnect/connect with his family’s homeland in Greece suggested more of Paul’s deeply empathic abilities. I’ve wondered to myself and in some of my own writing how his legacy might be expanded should he connect in some way with the Warrior weekend’s international efforts. He has been a big fish in a small pond for too long. We know fish too big are targeted.

The founders of the program to which Paul has been devoted (one is deceased) were too jealous of his stature and deep masculine energy. They knew how to co-opt and unsex men who they saw getting close to their secrets and illusionary beliefs about their own grandeur, their shadow, as Paul would say. They were the masters of pseudo-mutuality creating a world where everyone acted like they loved each other by denying and avoiding any conflict. In the shadows, they were skillful at creating chaos, keeping others off kilter, ensuring they would be at the center of power, their fingerprints everywhere.

When I had influence, I ensured Paul would be on the marketing video for the organization back in 2004 and then in 2007, built the concept of the organization’s new program committee around Paul as the Chairperson. I knew he was the one to bring some clarity, intellect and humanity to this key element of an organization struggling to evolve. Paul had so much more integrity, wholeness and warmth than the others. These were his strengths, not wasted, but still so much more to give.

His personality archetype may be described by others as more Magician because of his poetry. I know him and see him more in the Warrior/King archetype. Paul even explores the theme of his kingship in one of his poems. He is more King than Magician in my eyes. Magicians stand alone and use their magic in isolation. Warrior/Kings use their strength and wisdom to unite others and fight the good fight. There are so many men who need help and the international men’s network offers men like Paul a pathway.

There was so, so much competition and unresolved conflict within the men’s program where Paul worked and works still, his greatness has been constrained. The Warrior weekend would have embraced his gifts and the leadership program would have challenged him and chiseled his spiritual and intellectual muscle. I know the Warriors would have welcomed him doing both programs and what a model that would have been of inclusion in the men’s work world!

Like me and the rest of us, Paul is not perfect, but he is perfectly human and the world is better for him. At a significant time, he wrote to me and I appreciated it.

The poem that really spoke to me from this book was “On a Train With No Windows” (p142). I want to cite the first several lines.

Paul writes:

Boarded up in my windowless train
on a one way ticket to Somewhere.
Just followed the crowd;
Jumped aboard when young, with baggage in tow.
Not asking: “Where am I going?”

Clickety clack
clickety clack
clickety clack.

Down the one-way track
to some imagined, pre-ordained destination.
-an oasis waiting.

This is a beautiful poem evoking feelings of wonderment, journey, and promise. It reminded me of my favorite song, “People Get Ready” written by Curtis Mayfield, a song in the liberation theology common in the African American community. Unable to speak truth to power for fear of being lynched, castrated, tortured, African Americans used religious language to express their desire for freedom, their salvation.

Like Paul, Mayfield writes,

“People get ready
There’ a train a-coming
You don’t need no baggage
You just get on board

All you need is faith
To hear the diesels humming
Don’t need no ticket
You just thank the Lord.”

The clickety-clack of the train wheels on the rails to freedom, the “oasis waiting.”

No responses yet

Dec 01 2015

kevin and paul letter

January 9, 2016

Dear Kevin and Paul:

I am attaching the correspondence I have had with Rick, Alan and Ron for your review.

As you can see, I am trying to learn how you handle the issue of clothing/gym shorts, etc at the Shadow weekend.

I want to be direct with both of you and not be secretive about it. I don’t believe it’s unrealistic of me to think your solution to the nudity issue many years ago would be to sidestep the real issues of how trauma memories are stored and the potential of someone with sexual abuse histories being triggered and injured psychologically by events on weekends.

I am also attaching the letter from the VOH lawyer which states pretty clearly I was lying and distorting other writing I have done, especially as it relates to the inappropriate events which occurred between us, namely the pot and rat and abusive anti-semitic language triangulating me, you  and bob and buddy.

I think any objective person would agree the ways in which I was treated, especially during the “scandals” of VOH were abusive to me and characteristic of a very dysfunctional organization.

Originally, I believed you that the dysfunction was a result of someone else, etc. However the four years I was a leader allowed me to see the dysfunction ran deeper. I have said this before, but Shadow, as it is commonly understood, is often only discovered in relationship through addressing conflict. This never happened in VOH.

In fact, there was a lot of activity which was very much a concern to me. The disastrous attempt for the Breakthrough leaders to share leadership was evidence of this. On Saturday night, you guys bitched about Kurt taking control and acting unilaterally.

The next official meeting, you both confront me for “taking over” a psychodrama and interfering with your ability to work together, even though you knew I had no idea the guy was Kevin’s client or what you wanted to do together.

Then the joke of the nudity issue process. I was sick, in the process of discovering I lost a lot of money. Wouldn’t you think I had better things to do than go to a worthless meeting where all the decisions had been made before hand? I knew how easily Kurt could be manipulated by all you guys. I feel certain phone calls happened before the meeting, Kurt agreed to the faulty idea of gym shorts and the meeting was just to force the solution through in an undemocratic way.

I am feel certain you never told Kurt you guys were pissed at him for being controlling and unilateral.

Instead you attack me for something that had more to do with your inability to ask for something for yourselves or be accountable for what you didn’t do , vs what I did innocently.

If you guys told me to jump through fire, I probably would have tried. I wanted nothing  more than to be considered a member of the team. I had no special desire to lead anything.  I had a desire to help VOH change, knew how that could happen, and proceeded to do so in the roles I was assigned.

I can only wonder why you both turned on me there at the end. You knew what Buddy was capable of doing. His verbal abuse was not the ultimate problem, but his refusal to apologize was remarkable to observe and experience. For you guys to refuse to support me in confronting him was shocking and an example of the dysfunction in the organization.

Communication was between the two leaders, other leaders were suspect, conflict and truth was swept under the rug, and people who were injured, like me and (name) were ignored and written off as borderline, or whatever degrading “diagnosis” could be made.

Here is an opportunity for you to speak up to defend me when you are asked about this request of mine for information. I’m not asking for anything else. In an ideal world, you would also acknowledge publicly the threatening legal letter from Kurt to me was an effort to force me to be silent, rather than a protection of anyone being defamed.

Trauma memory is stored implicitly and is timeless. Yes, you both apologized individually to me, however there is no doubt excluding me from the Psychodrama workshop for the L. Clark workshop illustrates you really had no remorse or insight into the self-focused ways in which you injured me and fought every attempt to reform Victories and help its programs succeed and grow.

Your fanatical attachment to your so-called Shadow weekend has been a drag on organizational growth and, like Portugal and Mark’s efforts in the Wisdome years creation, split the organizations into factions and destroyed any momentum the 2004 Strategic planning process had.

You have been left standing, your leadership coupleship still intact, after several decades. Portugal and Kurt died, Mark seems to have stepped aside.

Yet, with all that power you have amassed and exercised over the years, the Shadow weekend limps along with one weekend a year and who knows if it even happens each year. There is no transparency to allow any critical members of the public to know these things.

I will continue to write.



Bill Martin, LCSW




No responses yet

Next »