Counseling in Chicago with Bill Martin, LCSW

Just for a moment, remember the last time you gazed into your lovers eyes and felt the hot passion of love. Maybe your heart seemed to tingle, your face was flush, and you could tell that they really loved you and you loved them back.

This is called the physiology of love, or limbic resonance.  And yes, all mammals (humans are mammals:) experience this incredible process.

When we look into each other’s eyes, a complex neurological process begins which enables us to really experience the non-verbal, unconscious sensations and feelings within the other person and project our own feelings back to them.

Call it the love gaze. I hope you have it with more than your loving cat or dog who are thrilled to see you when you get home!
Read more about it here and here.

Would you stay in a sweat lodge where people around you are vomiting, passing out, and you are beginning to feel yourself losing consciousness?

It’s easy for us to say “no”, but people just as smart as us did not out in Arizona. Three of them died, and almost half of the other participants became very ill.

Mind control. These people weren’t taken into a room and hypnotized. They still had the ability to think and make decisions.

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Practice makes perfect and helps train the brain…it all gets easier the more you do it.Turning down the volume of conversations will help too. We can hear each other pretty well, if we feel like raising our voices, it is likely a time for a time-out. Have a cup of tea, do some breathing, then come back later to the conversation.

When I do listening exercises in session with couples, it helpfsto reduce the levels of conflict and create a warmer space for them to be with each other. There is a little hope that things can get better at home.

At the end of the communication exercise, I ask couples to give each other feedback about what they liked about this new way of talking with each other.

Here are some of the things that couples say to each other:

“I liked the way you expressed your feelings so directly.”

“you listened carefully to what I was saying”

“I liked hearing you reflect back what I was saying to you”

“hearing my words reflected back gave me a chance to hear what I was saying…I could evaluate and clarify my words, so I could say what I really mean”

“when I was listening, I realized how much I would argue and try to win the debate, rather than really listen to what you were saying”

“I realized how much what I usually say is blaming…I am not really talking about what I think, feel and want…rather how much I try to make to blame for my unhappiness”

Using words connected to honest feelings is the only way to create an intimate relationship.

It’s pretty simple. The research shows us that when people feel discouraged and helpless, they are more likely to become depressed. There are several landmark studies conducted by Martin Seligman and Steven Maier describing the phenomenon of learned helplessness using dogs and the effect of exposing the dogs to unpleasant electrical shocks while in a harness.

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Now is now and then is then. I hear this often in my work with clients. I understand their concern and try to help them determine the relevancy of their family history to their current life situation. This is called “family of origin” work within the field of family therapy. What does this work look like?

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Click here for a great explanation for limbic resonance.

For a great explanation of emotional hijacking, or why we lose control of our anger during marital fights, click here.

Sorry. I know there are a lot of you out there who believe that your infant and early childhood years should not be that significant. “That was then and now is now!” right?

Well, for all you disbelievers, read on…

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John Bowlby was the first clinician to identify the 3 stages of an infant’s or young child’s response to the separation and/or deprivation of a mother or other attachment figure.

Bowlby identified 3 stages in the infant/child response:

1. Protest…the initial crying out in distress when the attachment figure is not available to help soothe the infant/child’s distress or as it is commonly termed, “separation anxiety.”
2. Despair…the grief and mourning related to the deprivation of the mother or other attachment figure.
3. Defense…the reaction to the privation or deprivation of the mother or other attachment figure.

Bowlby postulated that these 3 stages were interconnected as a single process. An infant who has lost or been deprived of their mother or other attachment figure will experience all three responses.

This includes the final stage of “defense” where their listlessness, increased detachment and minimal attachment (crying, smiling, etc) behaviors signal that they have “given up” looking for their mothers.

Or maybe we could say the infants/young children have given up their interest in connecting, relating and establishing the type of passionate relationships associated with joy and love.

Not a good thing and predicts difficulties later in life as adults forming healthy relationships.

Ok, here is the connection. John Bowlby can be called the “father of modern attachment theory” and Ram Singh Munda can be called the “father of Rani , the sloth bear from India.”

Here is a picture of Rani and Ram. Apparantly, riding on the back of Ram’s bike is a favorite activity for Rani.

Well, there is more…
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