Counseling in Chicago with Bill Martin, LCSW

Practice makes perfect and helps train the brain…it all gets easier the more you do it.Turning down the volume of conversations will help too. We can hear each other pretty well, if we feel like raising our voices, it is likely a time for a time-out. Have a cup of tea, do some breathing, then come back later to the conversation.

When I do listening exercises in session with couples, it helpfsto reduce the levels of conflict and create a warmer space for them to be with each other. There is a little hope that things can get better at home.

At the end of the communication exercise, I ask couples to give each other feedback about what they liked about this new way of talking with each other.

Here are some of the things that couples say to each other:

“I liked the way you expressed your feelings so directly.”

“you listened carefully to what I was saying”

“I liked hearing you reflect back what I was saying to you”

“hearing my words reflected back gave me a chance to hear what I was saying…I could evaluate and clarify my words, so I could say what I really mean”

“when I was listening, I realized how much I would argue and try to win the debate, rather than really listen to what you were saying”

“I realized how much what I usually say is blaming…I am not really talking about what I think, feel and want…rather how much I try to make to blame for my unhappiness”

Using words connected to honest feelings is the only way to create an intimate relationship.

Telephone/email therapy and other types of non-office communication with clients raises many ethical and legal questions.

The questions include:

Continue Reading »

When I do an initial assessment, I ask many questions about family history. Although it is always an ongoing process, after a few sessions, I will usually understand how long parents were married, any divorces or major illnesses, parenting styles, length and quality of clients relationships, educational and career history, and importantly any experience of abuse and/or neglect. Why is this important?

Continue Reading »

Click here for a great explanation for limbic resonance.

Click here for the site.

If you are able to address and resolve conflict quickly, your relationship will likely grow and deepen. Your sex life will probably improve too, as unresolved anger can hurt your sexual intimacy.

Here are some questions for you to consider:

• Are you aware of any basic differences between you and your partner?
• Are you able to resolve these differences easily?
• Do these basic differences seem unresolvable?
• Do you live day to day with emotional hurts?
• Are your positions getting entrenched?
• Do you fear that you will never get what you hoped for in this relationship?
• Are you worried that your differences and disagreements will damage your relationship?

Take time to explore these questions and identify any of the obstacles to making improvements.

Scales compliments of the Gottman Institute.

Therapist sometimes have the grandiose idea it is good to encourage the client to become dependent. If the therapist is in private practice, this can be a lucrative idea. However, creating dependency can trap the client in old thoughts, feelings and behavior patterns and backfire on the therapist.

Continue Reading »

A marriage or any intimate relationship can be challenged by outside stress.

This Gottman scale helps you evaluate whether you and your spouse/partner are handling stress well or whether it is “spilling over” into your relationship in a negative way.

Answer the following questions:

• Do you help each other reduce the daily stress of life?
• Are you able to talk about this stress together?
• Is it helpful to both of you when you talk about these stress?
• Does your spouse/partner listen with understanding about your stress and worries?
• Do you find that your spouse/partner takes their job or other stress out on you?
• Does your spouse/partner take their job or other stress out on your children or others in your life?

So, what are you thinking about when you answer these questions.

Write down your thoughts and feelings in your journal.

Make notes of specific issues you want to talk about with your spouse.

Don’t put off having any conversation about these important issues.

Remaining connected emotionally to each other is the most important part of healthy relationship.

You can have a lot of money, great job, everything else going for you, but if your relationship is cold and distant, you will not be very happy.

The first area of your relationship to evaluate deals with whether you are staying connected emotionally or becoming distant.
Here are some of John Gottman’s marital evaluation scales for you to use to evaluate yourself and your relationship:

• Are you able to easily talk with each other?
• Do stay emotionally in touch with each other?
• Do you feel taken for granted?
• Does your spouse/partner know you well right now?
• Is your spouse/partner emotionally disengaged?
• Are you spending time together?

What are you answers to these questions?

If you are too distant, what can you do to get closer?

Don’t wait for your partner to warm up. Think about what you might be doing to keep her/him distant and do the opposite!

Are you asking for what you need and want? Or does it sound like a blaming tirade of all your partner’s weaknesses?

If it’s the latter, don’t be surprized when you remain stuck in a bad cycle of conflict.

Take the risk, hear your partner’s complaints as a need for a hug, or their distance as their being burned out and needing some extra support.

This will help you be closer and stay there longer.

Feelings of intimacy are like resonating music for the heart and soul. Couples that are really able to connect with one another probably have a vibration that can be calibrated…you can feel this way again…

Continue Reading »