Counseling in Chicago with Bill Martin, LCSW

In the spirit of defending and protecting gay children and adolescents, I am posting this video of a gay teen being brutally beaten while no one helps.

The May 2006 issue of Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research makes one thing is very clear.

If one’s parents had a problem with alcohol abuse, they have a very high risk of developing an alcohol abuse problem as well.

In relation to this study,  William R. Lovello, Director of the Behavioral Sciences Laboratories at the Veterans Affairs Medical Center, Oklahoma City states:
“The development of alcoholism among individuals with a family history of alcoholism is about four to eight times more common than it is among individuals with no such family history…”

The research in this area is conclusive. If your parents abused alcohol, you are at a high risk yourself.

For more information on this topic, click here.

How do you like it when you are upset about something and your partner won’t even let you finish your train of thought.

They already have their denial or rebuttal already organized and “come at you” with their rationale about why you are wrong.

This is called rehearsal, and it means exactly what it sounds like. The person you want to understand you isn’t really listening.

Rehearsing is a very common listening mistake.

It’s pretty easy to spot too. The listener’s eyes tend to trail off and you can almost see their mind sorting through how they can defend themselves from what they feel is your attack.

Of course, you are only expressing your thoughts and feelings, which ultimately is more important to both of you than who is right.

If you are blaming your partner, it’s time to find a new way of understanding and explaining your thoughts, feelings and wants.

Blaming damages relationships. It’s pretty simple.

I remember hearing a story about a couple who started therapy. After the first session, the therapist met with each partner individually to get a chance to hear each person’s story more fully.

When the therapist met with the husband, all he could do was complain his wife was the cause of all his problems.

She was “this and that and then some more.”

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The first goal in my work with couples is to teach a method of speaking and listening using research based communication concepts. These concepts include “I” statements,  non-defensive or active listening, and asking clearly for what you want.It’s more difficult than it looks. The key problem is most of us did not grow up in families where effective communication was either taught or modeled.

As a result, we learned some very bad lessons which keep us unhappy in our relationships.

These bad lessons are called “cognitive distortions” or unhealthy rules/beliefs about the way we should relate to each other, including blaming, criticizing, mind-reading, and black and white thinking. Click here for more examples and definitions.

In the exercise, the speaker only makes “I” statements, identifies and expresses feelings and says what they wish for.

The listener only active listens, reflecting what the speaker is saying, using the speakers words, and helping them say more about their thoughts, feelings and wishes.

It works.

If you are reading my blog or know me, you realize I like to use the cognitive restructuring exercise a lot. It is a great tool to help clients evaluate their own thoughts, beliefs, feelings and behavior.

It works great in evaluating alcohol problems. Here is how it works…

A- Activating Event: you or someone you know worries about your drinking…this may cause an internal or inter-personal conflict.

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A key question in the recovered memory debate is whether it’s possible for someone to forget traumatic abuse and then remember it later, sometimes decades later.

If you want to move ahead and study some of the research validating this forgetting and remembering process, go to the following websites:

• Recovered Memory Project, Professor Ross Cheit, Ph.D.  Brown University

• Recovered Memories of Sexual Abuse: Scientific Research & Scholarly Resources, Jim Hopper, Ph.D.

• Memory and Abuse: The Recovered Memory Controversy, Ken Pope, Ph.D.

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Despite the canon law established by the Council of Elvira, the sexual abuse of children by pedophile priests and clergy, as well as other inappropriate sexual activities and relationships were widespread throughout the history of the Catholic church up to the present time.

Reverend Thomas Doyle, in his “A very short history of clergy sex abuse in the Catholic church”, notes:

“By the 9th century collections of the growing mass of legislation began to appear.  These were unofficial and generally poorly organized attempts at putting at least some of the known legislation in the same place.”

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For those who may be interested in reading each specific law enacted at the Council of Elvira, I am reprinting them on this post.

You can also read them here.

Why are they significant?

These canon laws enacted in the 4th Century clearly document the major concerns, perhaps preoccupation, of early Catholic church leaders with pedophilia, adultery, sexual misconduct of bishops and clergy, and the sexual life of early Christians.

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I know it may be hard to believe the Catholic church leaders were already preoccupied with sex in the early 4th Century, but they were.

Keep in mind, 306AD was 1,706 years ago. So, for over 1,700 years, the Catholic church and their decision makers have been aware, concerned, and trying to manage the damage caused by the sexual violations of their bishops and clerics.

What kind of sex?

Here is a summary of the types of sexual behaviors the Council of Elvira addressed and tried to control:

• Sexual abuse of children, adolescents and adults by bishops, priests, and other clergy

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