Counseling in Chicago with Bill Martin, LCSW

Read these two thought provoking articles about infidelity here and here.

This is forwarded courtesy of Ken Pope, Ph.D. and reprinted with his permission.

As they become licensed and prepare to open a practice, various list members ask me what I consider the best practice-management and billing software., and each year I circulate links to and info about some of the current programs in this rapidly changing field.

Here are my recommendations:

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Wikipedia has an interesting and informative discussion about psychotherapy. Read it here.

I was sent a very good essay on the challenges of substance abuse recovery, relationships, and how trauma “wires” our brains in a way to become reactive, defensive, hypervigilant and more simply put, highly stressed out. Obviously, stress is a trigger for substance use, and thus begins the addictive cycle of one’s too many, and twenty+ are not enough.

Read the article here.

Every relationship goes through stages of development.Stages are often marked by important rituals and life events, like engagement, marriage, birth of children, school, adolescence, adulthood, middle age, silver years and death and dying.

In a relationship, two people find each other and as long as the sparks are flying, get into a relationship and explore making a greater commitment.

This first stage in relationship development is often referred to as the “honeymoon stage” where everything seems to go great and there is a lot of chemistry, fun and probably a lot of great sex too.

When you get beyond the “honeymoon stage” and enter into a longer term commitment,  eventually some crisis will put your relationship to the test.

The conflicts at this stage can be related to loss issues, death of loved one, work, money, extended family, children, or attractions or affairs with other people.

Whether you are both comfortable with high conflict or not, this stage can determine the ultimate success of your relationship.

The amygdala is the part of our brain’s limbic system responsible for the processing and memory of emotional reactions and triggering the fight, fight, or freeze process for human beings.

In the image below, the amygdala (dark red color) can be seen as part of the limbic system, just below the thalamus (also dark red).

The amygdala has been called the “emotional sentinel” of the human brain because it is primarily responsible for helping us to know when it is safe and unsafe.

The amygdala receives signals from our senses which it quickly evaluates. If the signal is safe, all is good.  However, if the amygdala determines the signal to be a threat, it sends a message to the hypthalamus to produce dopamine, epinephrine and norepenephrine which provide the chemical fuel for us to fight, flee or freeze.

The studies related to the amygdala have demonstrated that damage to the amygdala or negative personal experiences can result in such things as an inability to determine safe or unsafe facial expressions, hyperarousal, exaggerated fear responses or absence of fear responses.

So, if you grew up in an abusive, dangerous household, it is likely your amygdala has processed and stored those memories in a way which may keep you hyperaroused and unsure about the intentions of your partner.

Any tension or conflict with your spouse may easily result in a yelling match leaving you both depleted and demoralized.

Biology mixes with personal history, with disastrous results for personal and intimate relationships.

Yes,  but…! How many times have you experienced this? We are talking about an idea we have and someone else has to tell us we are wrong.

In a marriage,  we need to be good listeners. We can’t just disagree and blast our partners by telling them their wrong.

This is where the reflective listening process is so important. We show our partner we are listening by reflecting back what they are saying to us, not what we think of what they are saying.

Cognitive restructuring is a therapy exercise that helps  you learn to think more clearly and realistically.

Unrealistic thoughts are often the cause of misunderstanding and conflict.

This exercise can be especially helpful if you and your spouse engage in escalating conflicts where you blame each other or feel intense feelings of being unloved.

The important concept is any intense feelings we experience have their origins both in the present and in the past. Feelings from the past are stored by the brain in complicated ways, not always easily understood by us in the heat of a conflict.
As I have said previously, our personal history matters. It would be too simplistic to assume otherwise.

Cognitive restructuring helps us create a map of our internal thought process and belief

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Making marriage work these days is a complicated balancing act. It takes time to communicate, resolve conflict, raise children and manage the challenges of busy careers.

Marriage and family researcher, John Gottman, PhD and his research colleagues have had a huge influence on the course of marital and family therapy over the last twenty years.

I use many of the marital satisfaction surveys they have created. They are very helpful to couples trying to identify and work on their problems.

His research has compiled huge amounts of data and increased our understanding of what helps and what hurts marriages.

Rather than try to research a specific therapy method or style of marriage or family life, Gottman studied many marriages and families over several decades. He was able to begin to see what really worked for couples and their families.

The results of their research is found in Why marriages succeed or fail…and how you can

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See VS Ramachandran’s video presentation on mirror neurons here.