Counseling in Chicago with Bill Martin, LCSW

The sympathetic nervous system is responsible for triggering the “fight, flight, or freeze” reaction in human beings.

As you can see from the image at left, the sympathetic nervous system functions to activate the major organs identified, especially the heart, lungs and adrenal glands.

As you may know, the adrenal glands produce adrenaline (its other name is epinephrine).
Adrenaline is only our friend when we have to fight, escape or hide from big scary things, like our ancestors.

Continue Reading »

Ok. I am suggesting your intense fighting is related to the evolutionary role of adrenaline or as it is also called, epinephrine, in helping our ancestors survive.

Whenever we feel threatened or excited, the complex workings of our brains trigger the production of adrenaline.

This sets of several reactions, including increased heart rate, dilation of pupils, and a rush of energy to respond to the perceived threat.

This adrenaline enhanced readiness to “fight or flight” was absolutely necessary for our ancestors to kill the saber tooth tiger and escape. However, so much adrenaline is really not necessary for two people living together and trying to settle some differences.
So, you or your partner aren’t crazy, although you may be a little dangerous. Too much adrenaline can lead to a “blind rage” or an “emotional hijacking” which results in more and more damage being done to your relationship.

The key learning goal here is that the intense physical reaction during arguments is caused by a complex neurological process involving the eventual production of adrenaline.

The first goal in my work with couples is to teach a method of speaking and listening using research based communication concepts. These concepts include “I” statements,  non-defensive or active listening, and asking clearly for what you want.

It’s more difficult than it looks. The key problem is most of us did not grow up in families where effective communication was either taught or modeled.

As a result, we learned some very bad lessons which keep us unhappy in our relationships.

These bad lessons are called “cognitive distortions” or unhealthy rules/beliefs about the way we should relate to each other, including blaming, criticizing, mind-reading, and black and white thinking. Click here for more examples and definitions.

In the exercise, the speaker only makes “I” statements, identifies and expresses feelings and says what they wish for.

The listener only active listens, reflecting what the speaker is saying, using the speakers words, and helping them say more about their thoughts, feelings and wishes.

It works.

Goals for Couples

1.    Learn and use a structured communication model with strict rules about speaking and listening.

2.    Learn and correct mistakes related to speaking, including judgment focus, generalizing, blaming, criticizing, mind reading and ambushing.

3.    Learn and correct the mistakes related to listening, including defensiveness, personalizing, maintaining a negative filter, ambushing, criticism, contempt and reactivity.

4.    Learn and understand the impact of facial expressions, tone of voice, body language and other non-verbal cues in effective communication.

5.    Learn the importance of accepting responsibility for self-care and self-soothing. (We are all responsible for ourselves.)

6.    Learn to use the Cognitive Restructuring written tool and other Cognitive Therapy methods found in the Smart Recovery Tools and Homework website (http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/toolchest.htm) to correct distortions and errors in thinking and communication, both in and out of session.

I will discuss and explain these concepts in further posts.

Listening is actually a very complicated process.
Here are examples of reflective listening responses:

Practice makes perfect and helps train the brain…it all gets easier the more you do it.Turning down the volume of conversations will help too. We can hear each other pretty well, if we feel like raising our voices, it is likely a time for a time-out. Have a cup of tea, do some breathing, then come back later to the conversation.

When I do listening exercises in session with couples, it helpfsto reduce the levels of conflict and create a warmer space for them to be with each other. There is a little hope that things can get better at home.

At the end of the communication exercise, I ask couples to give each other feedback about what they liked about this new way of talking with each other.

Here are some of the things that couples say to each other:

“I liked the way you expressed your feelings so directly.”

“you listened carefully to what I was saying”

“I liked hearing you reflect back what I was saying to you”

“hearing my words reflected back gave me a chance to hear what I was saying…I could evaluate and clarify my words, so I could say what I really mean”

“when I was listening, I realized how much I would argue and try to win the debate, rather than really listen to what you were saying”

“I realized how much what I usually say is blaming…I am not really talking about what I think, feel and want…rather how much I try to make to blame for my unhappiness”

Using words connected to honest feelings is the only way to create an intimate relationship.

Couples often are skeptical about their ability to slow down and listen to each other. They look at me with extreme doubt, as if to say, “really, who listens to their partner and then says, “…so what I hear you saying is….”

It’s true that such a slow, deliberate and careful way of speaking to each other seems unnatural. Part of the reason may be that couples don’t do this very much and so our brains are not used to communication style.

While pop psychology leads us to believe that men and women are so different, “men are from mars and women are from venus”, the truth is that men and women are more similar than different.

Men and women are both from earth!

All of us are born with the same essential capacity to listen, nurture, be intimate, and love. Our personal history, especially our family experience is what differentiates us.

Empathy is our ability to deeply understand and relate to the thoughts, feelings, and life experience of others.Some of the ways we express empathy are by making eye contact, listening closely, reflecting back the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing from the other person.
Husbands and wives, life partners, significant others, parents and children, all experience empathy as the vital source of support and love.

When someone we love is hurting, it is a wonderful gift to spend time with them, listening, and reflecting back to them that we understand how they are feeling.

Next time you are alone with your partner, sit down with them, get close, look into their eyes, ask them how their day was and how they are feeling. It will be good for you too.

Prepare to relax by finding a comfortable place where you won’t be disturbed for 15 to 20 minutes…loosen any tight or restrictive clothing and remember that learning to relax is learning to allow relaxation to happen.Your body knows how to relax and as you begin to breathe more deeply, relax your muscles, and use peaceful imagery you will be able to relax, feel more comfortable, and manage challenges more easily.

So, the keys so far are comfortable, loose fitting clothing, stretching and relaxing our muscles, finding a quiet, peaceful place, and breathing deeply.

It’s a start.