Counseling in Chicago with Bill Martin, LCSW

A marriage or any intimate relationship can be challenged by outside stress.

This Gottman scale helps you evaluate whether you and your spouse/partner are handling stress well or whether it is “spilling over” into your relationship in a negative way.

Answer the following questions:

• Do you help each other reduce the daily stress of life?
• Are you able to talk about this stress together?
• Is it helpful to both of you when you talk about these stress?
• Does your spouse/partner listen with understanding about your stress and worries?
• Do you find that your spouse/partner takes their job or other stress out on you?
• Does your spouse/partner take their job or other stress out on your children or others in your life?

So, what are you thinking about when you answer these questions.

Write down your thoughts and feelings in your journal.

Make notes of specific issues you want to talk about with your spouse.

Don’t put off having any conversation about these important issues.

Remaining connected emotionally to each other is the most important part of healthy relationship.

You can have a lot of money, great job, everything else going for you, but if your relationship is cold and distant, you will not be very happy.

The first area of your relationship to evaluate deals with whether you are staying connected emotionally or becoming distant.
Here are some of John Gottman’s marital evaluation scales for you to use to evaluate yourself and your relationship:

• Are you able to easily talk with each other?
• Do stay emotionally in touch with each other?
• Do you feel taken for granted?
• Does your spouse/partner know you well right now?
• Is your spouse/partner emotionally disengaged?
• Are you spending time together?

What are you answers to these questions?

If you are too distant, what can you do to get closer?

Don’t wait for your partner to warm up. Think about what you might be doing to keep her/him distant and do the opposite!

Are you asking for what you need and want? Or does it sound like a blaming tirade of all your partner’s weaknesses?

If it’s the latter, don’t be surprized when you remain stuck in a bad cycle of conflict.

Take the risk, hear your partner’s complaints as a need for a hug, or their distance as their being burned out and needing some extra support.

This will help you be closer and stay there longer.

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